Be brave, not perfect
I recently read an article entitled ‘Be Brave Not Perfect’, and it strongly resonated with me. You see, I am a reforming perfectionist. Reforming – as in actively challenging myself to notice when I have thoughts or do things from a place of believing there is one way and it’s the right way and I have to get it right. Aargh. What pressure I have placed on myself all these years!
As I’ve aged, it seems a little easier to not expect perfection from myself. I think it’s a sign of my maturing that I feel this way (and mountains of therapy). The healthier alternative framing to perfectionism is to consider yourself a ‘learner’. Adopting a learner mindset requires us to be brave.
What is perfectionism and why is it a problem?
Like many people, I have worn my perfectionism as a badge of honour. I thought of it as the internal driver of my success. Boy was I wrong. Perfectionism led me to be an anxious over-achiever who was unkind to myself and as a result, did not set a good example for the people around me.
Brene Brown, in her book The Gift of Imperfection talks about it this way:
Perfectionism is not the same thing as striving to be your best. Perfectionism is the belief that if we live perfect, look perfect, and act perfect, we can minimize or avoid the pain of blame, judgment, and shame. It's a shield. It's a twenty-ton shield that we lug around thinking it will protect us when, in fact, it's the thing that's really preventing us from flight.
And Kailey Spina Horan summarises why perfectionism is problematic:
The chronic disappointment that results from perfectionism is exhausting, but it also puts us at risk for a myriad of other mental and physical health issues. Perfectionism has been found to increase risk for, and contribute to, the maintenance of eating disorders, anxiety disorders, and depression, poor physical health, premature death, pathological worry, and generalized anxiety disorder, and sadly, even suicidal ideation. Pioneers of perfectionism research even state that perfectionism can cause physical consequences such as fatigue, muscle tension, insomnia, and a tight chest.
So, in contrast to the belief that perfectionism leads to success, perfectionism can lead to self-critical behaviours and thoughts that get in the way of being successful.
An alternative to perfectionism
An alternative to the fixed mindset of perfectionism is the growth mindset of being a learner. Being a learner means accepting that you don’t always have the answer and that’s OK. It requires self-reflection, an acceptance of failure and the courage to have a go and to keep going. It requires you to be brave.
You can strive for excellence without perfectionism, but you must have the courage to be a learner. Excellence is the quality of being outstanding or extremely good. I love this quality and it aligns well with the concept of mastery. It’s important that we all have things that we are really good at. Lori Young describes the difference between this and perfectionism:
Excellence requires a commitment to ownership and growth. When we do excellent work but make a mistake, we own it. We are able to learn from our mistakes and strive not to make the same mistake again. Excellence means we double check our work, but we don’t obsess endlessly.
‘Good enough’ also works when we are learning. Never was being ‘good enough’ more important than when I was launching the website for my new business. The perfectionist in me would have continued to edit the website for the next three years without launching it, all in the name of making it perfect. With this awareness, I was able to recognise when the website was ‘good enough’ to be published, and I could learn as I went along about what works and what doesn’t and make changes along the way.
From failure comes growth. I know from experience that failure can be very painful, and with a learner mindset, it can also be an opportunity for growth. Failure can teach you many things. One strategy is to ask yourself what the gift is from a situation that’s not going well. It might be a gift of insight about yourself, other people, process or context. You then use this information to change up what you’re doing and continue to forge a path toward what you want to achieve. Being a learner results in being less harsh on yourself when you fail and more ready to keep trying.
Considering yourself a learner is a critical mindset after fifty.
There are so many unknowns when forging a life after fifty. Most women have few positive role models and with the availability of multiple options and pathways, knowing what to do can be hard. This is where being brave is required. The approach I have taken in recent years has been to put on my “big girl pants” and try something new but without expectation of perfection, or even success. I share this approach with my clients using the language of experimentation.
Action Learning Cycle
By adopting this approach, you become curious about yourself and what works for you. You learn as you go and gradually build a life aligned to who you are. This is particularly important when you are transitioning out of the paid workforce. Some women get stuck at this juncture: they think they should somehow know exactly what to do next, but end up feeling somewhat ‘rudderless’. We discussed this recently in the Retire Ready program I am currently facilitating. There was general agreement that perfectionism can be paralysing. You feel much freer and have more fun when you consider yourself a learner.
So, my tip as you think about your life after fifty, is to create a fun and fulfilling life in which you are brave, enjoy experimenting and are happy to learn as you go. Let go of any expectation that there is one way and you must get it right and think of it as a process of creation and discovery.