Good Girl Fatigue: How It Can Hold You Back After Fifty
This week, I sat down with my two adult children and partner and announced that I was retiring! There was an audible gasp in the room. “You’re too young”, ventured my daughter, as they all sat dumb-struck, staring at me. “I am retiring as House Manager”, I continued. “I will no longer take responsibility for weekly grocery shopping, cooking most of the meals, putting the rubbish in the bins, putting the bins out, reloading the dishwasher….” The list goes on, and I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. Having returned from an extended holiday where all the cooking and cleaning were taken care of by others, I was acutely aware that I wanted a very different life for myself. At 60, I don’t want to still be taking care of everybody else. It’s exhausting. So I decided that the best thing I could do was share this news with my family so we could all adjust to the new world order.
Has this ever happened to you – have you ever felt stuck in a role that no longer fits? Perhaps you’ve been striving to be the perfect mother, partner, daughter, friend, or employee. Do you find yourself smiling politely, following the ‘rules’, and putting others' needs ahead of your own, even when it’s not what you want? If so, you might be dealing with something called “good girl fatigue.” After some quick research, I discovered there is a name for my experience. It is commonplace for women over fifty to feel like this, and it can become a significant barrier to living life on your terms. In this blog, I explore good girl fatigue, why it happens, and how you can overcome it to reclaim your life and live according to what is most important to you.
What Is Good Girl Fatigue?
Good girl fatigue is the exhaustion—both mental and emotional—felt by women who feel compelled to conform to traditional gender roles and societal expectations. It’s more than just feeling tired; it’s the burnout that comes from constantly trying to meet impossible standards, both those imposed by society and those you impose on yourself.
Many women are conditioned from an early age to be "good": agreeable, selfless, obedient, and accommodating. While these traits are often praised, the pressure to embody them all the time can be draining. This fatigue can seep into every part of your life, especially as you enter a stage where you should be enjoying the freedom to live on your terms. Instead, you may find yourself stuck in patterns that no longer serve you, driven by a script that says you must always put others first.
Signs of Good Girl Fatigue
Recognising good girl fatigue is the first step toward breaking free from it. Here are some common signs:
Perfectionism: You feel the need to excel in every area of life, often to meet external standards.
People-Pleasing: You prioritise others' needs and opinions over your own, even when it’s to your detriment. (Hello – can we just stop this right now?)
Passivity: You avoid speaking up or setting boundaries out of fear of upsetting others.
Accommodation: You go out of your way to help others, even when it’s inconvenient or harmful to yourself.
Self-Doubt: You constantly question your worth and abilities, fearing you don’t measure up to others' expectations.
Emotional Exhaustion: You feel drained from always trying to please others and suppressing your own needs.
Physical Exhaustion: You’re physically tired from overcommitting and neglecting self-care.
Why Do Women Suffer From Good Girl Fatigue?
The roots of good girl fatigue lie deep in societal expectations and cultural norms. From a young age, women are often conditioned to prioritise others' needs and to strive for perfection in everything they do. This conditioning can create a powerful internal pressure to conform to the "good girl" image, leading to feelings of inadequacy when you inevitably fall short of these unrealistic standards.
For women over fifty, this pressure can be even more intense. You might be dealing with major life transitions—such as retirement, changes in family dynamics, or shifts in personal identity—while still feeling bound by the expectations placed on you. This can lead to a profound sense of fatigue and a disconnect between the life you’re living and the life you truly want.
The Impact of Good Girl Fatigue
Good girl fatigue can take a heavy toll on your mental health, relationships, and overall well-being. It can:
Erode Self-Worth: Constantly seeking validation from others can make you lose sight of your own value.
Stifle Authenticity: When you’re always trying to meet others' expectations, it’s hard to be your true self.
Strain Relationships: People-pleasing can lead to resentment and superficial connections, as your true needs are never met.
Affect Mental Health: The chronic stress of perfectionism and people-pleasing is linked to anxiety, depression, and burnout.
Breaking the Cycle: Reclaiming Your Life
Breaking free from good girl fatigue is essential for living life on your own terms. Here’s how you can start:
1. Explore Your Beliefs and Values
Take time to reflect on what truly matters to you. What are your values, and how have societal expectations influenced them? This self-exploration is key to understanding what drives you and identifying the areas where you may have been living for others rather than for yourself.
2. Ask for What You Need or Want
It’s time to start expressing your needs and desires. Whether at work, home, or social situations, practice voicing what you want. This might feel uncomfortable at first, especially if you’ve been a people-pleaser for a long time, but it’s a crucial step toward living life on your terms.
3. Set Boundaries
Learn to prioritise your needs by setting clear boundaries. This doesn’t mean you stop caring for others; it means you also care for yourself. Setting boundaries is essential for preventing burnout and resentment and is a powerful step toward taking control of your life.
4. Challenge Perfectionism
Redefine success based on what truly matters to you, not on what others expect. Embrace imperfections and mistakes as part of the learning process. By doing so, you free yourself from the impossible standards of perfectionism, allowing you to live a more relaxed and fulfilling life.
5. Redefine What It Means to Be "Good"
Ask yourself what "good" means to you. Does it mean being obedient and pleasing, or does it mean being true to yourself and your values? Redefining "good" in a way that aligns with your authentic self is a crucial part of this journey.
6. Prioritise Self-Care and Pursue Your Goals
Make time for activities that nourish your soul and bring you joy. Prioritising self-care is not selfish; it’s a necessary part of maintaining your well-being and living a fulfilling life. Challenge the people-pleasing tendencies by focusing on what you want to achieve in this next chapter of your life.
7. Speak Up When You’re Mistreated
Don’t let others take advantage of your kindness or your desire to please. Speaking up for yourself is an essential skill in living life on your terms. It’s about asserting your worth and refusing to be diminished by others' expectations.
8. Practice Self-Compassion
Acknowledge the pressures associated with being a "good girl" and treat yourself with kindness. Self-compassion is a vital part of overcoming good girl fatigue, as it allows you to forgive yourself for not meeting impossible standards and to embrace your imperfections.
Final Thoughts: Live Life on Your Terms
Good girl fatigue can hold you back from living the life you truly want, but it doesn’t have to. By recognising the signs, understanding why it happens, and taking steps to break free from it, you can start to reclaim your life and fully embrace the next chapter with confidence and clarity.
As you move forward, remember that this is your time. You’ve spent your life caring for others and striving to meet expectations. Now it’s time to care for yourself and live the life you deserve—more you than ever before, and entirely on your terms. The rewards of knowing yourself, being clear about your needs and wants, and stepping into your power are immense. Uncovering what is most important to you may take some work, but the journey will be worth it. This is your life—make it one that reflects who you truly are.